After the death of out little Toby, we were totally devastated. We had now lost three children to NKH, this supposedly “rare” genetic disorder. I especially had a hard time with the loss of Toby because of the fact that we had just moved to our new home in Cookeville and we knew no one. All my friends and family were an hour and a half away. I tried to keep myself busy by substituting at Timmy's school and keeping a very clean house.

I still wanted more children so bad. This was my heart’s desire and it was not going away. I talked to Danny about looking into adoption and he agreed to in January, 2004. In August, 2003 that seemed like a long time away. But I waited patiently till that time came and then we began the journey that would be ever so eye opening.

We started out by sending out 300 letters to area OB/GYN doctors stating our desire to adopt. Then we started taking PATH classes.  This was through DCS; it was through this class that we learned a lot much about the adoption process and children in foster care. The leader of the class asked us if we wanted to foster a child, he said that it would make adopting a child much easier. I just couldn’t do that. I had already had three babies taken from me and I couldn’t take that chance by fostering a child in hopes to adopt and it to be taken away.  We did however get our home study background check done through DCS. 

In April I got a call from my OB doctor saying that he thought that he had found us a baby. I was so excited. But that didn’t last very long. After talking with the birth grandmother, they decided to go through an adoption agency. We wanted to go private. That one was gone before we even got started. Here we go on this emotional roller coaster, again.

As the months went slowly by, we started to pray about what God would have for our family. If it were in His will for us to have more children then He would make it so.  It was during this time that we felt like we were to try to have one of our own. But all the while we were still trying to adopt.

In early August I got a call from a friend. She said she knew of a young, unmarried couple that wanted to place their baby for adoption. Were we interested? YES, we were absolutely interested! So the very next day I met with the birth mother and the birth father. They talked about what they wanted for the baby. By the end of the visit we were very comfortable with each other. I still could not get my hopes up. I didn’t want to be let down. So, within the week the birth mother called me and said that she wanted us to have their baby. I was so happy, but still had my guard up. She wanted me to go to the doctor’s appointments and to be at delivery; it was too good to be true. We talked several times and she was very happy about her decision for us to parent the baby.

About ten weeks after we met them, surprise, we find out that we are expecting! But we still were going to go through with the adoption, if they wanted us to. We were thrilled that we would have two so close in age. What fun that would be, like having twins. We told the birth parents and they were very happy for us, and excited that the baby would have a sibling so close in age to play with. She was due in late January and I was due in late May.

As the time for her delivery got closer our excitement built. She had an ultrasound done and it said that the baby was a girl. We had wanted a girl for so long and now a daughter was on the way—how exciting!  We began to do the necessary paperwork with our attorney, and got our home study updated. We only had ten weeks until she arrived.

We decided to name her Jessica Michelle and her birth mother was very happy with that name.

Her pregnancy was very uneventful; mine was not. In one of my ultrasounds it was discovered that I was pregnant with twins. Wow!!!  Now we had three babies on the way instead of two. At first we were shocked but then when it sank in we just thought: the more the merrier! At my next ultrasound we discovered that I was having not one but two girls. What a double shock that was since I’d had all boys up until this point. 

I had to have a cerclage with this pregnancy just as I did with all my others; not a big deal.  But let me tell you: double the babies, double the nausea. I was so nauseous all the time. Finally it went away and I began to enjoy my pregnancy. We decided to name the girls Abigail Caroline and Elizabeth Kay. We had wanted to use the name Abigail for quite some time and finally we were getting to. We were going to call the girls Jessi, Abbi and Lizzi. How sweet that would be!

On January 19, 2005 our first daughter was born. Jessica Michelle was here! It was so beautiful. I was there when she was born. She was so pretty. We were all crying. We went to a hotel that night very exhausted and very scared. What if after all this she decided to keep this little girl? We still wouldn’t hold on tight; not yet, we couldn’t take the chance of getting hurt.

The next day when we went back to the hospital, the necessary paper work was begun. It was at this point that we were given power of attorney for this little girl. The day went very smoothly. The next day was the day that we got custody of her. We had a short visit with the birth mother after she spent some time with baby Jessica. It was at this time that she handed over to us, our first daughter. What a wonderful blessing!

We stayed in a hotel with this little bundle of joy for six days until the surrender papers were signed in court. It was a long six days but we got through them.

After the papers were signed in court we brought our daughter home. It was a day we had waited for, for so long. We still had 10 days for the birth parents to change their minds. Every day was long. Whenever the phone rang, I froze. I was so afraid of loosing her. It’s very easy to quickly become attached to a baby. This was my daughter and I was already in love. The 10 days came and went with no change of mind. Now she really was our daughter!

It was shortly after this that I began to have contractions. My doctor was threatening to put me on bed rest if I didn’t slow down. And just how was I to do that with a newborn in the house? I did however heed his advice. At this time he decided to put me on Tributaline to stop them. This worked, but only for a short time.

On one of my later doctor appointments he told me to double-up on my medication and take it easy or he would have to put me in the hospital for complete bed rest. So I really slowed things down, but even with that effort my contractions continued and got more frequent and consistent.

By Saturday of that week I was getting concerned and Danny wasn’t letting me out of bed at all. I just laid there, rested and counted my contractions and timed them. By late afternoon I called the doctor on call and he told me to come in. So we packed up and headed to the hospital. I was only 34 weeks, so it was still very early for them to get here. The doctors just wanted to try to buy my babies and me a few more days until I got to 35 weeks.

When I got to the hospital they gave me two doses of Tributaline in the arm, but the contractions continued. So on to plan “B”, start I.V. and Magnesium. This was supposed to stop the contractions so I could start back on the Tributaline by Tuesday and let it take over again. They also gave me a steroid shot which would help the girls’ lungs develop if they did have to deliver early. I just laid there and got fluids pumped in me for four days. I felt like the Goodyear blimp. I was really starting to swell. I could barely move. I was getting very miserable.

On Monday an ultrasound was taken to try to determine the size of my girls. We found out that baby “A” was about a pound bigger than baby “B”. This really concerned us because there had never been that much difference in their weight in all of the previous ultrasounds. They definitely needed more time to grow. So we waited.  Another day came and went and then another.

On Wednesday my I.V. was taken out and I started feeling better. It was Wednesday afternoon, April 13 when I had another ultrasound done. This one was called a BPP-Biophysical profile. It was to determine if they were trying to breathe on their own yet. After about 30-45 minutes the doctor that was doing the ultrasound started saying that they weren’t doing what they should be. My heart started to break. I had a huge lump in my throat.

Surely they were okay, they had to be. I could not go through losing any more babies. She left the room to consult with another doctor. When she came back in she said that was all that she needed to do and we were done. That was it? No explanation or anything? Nope; she just told us that my doctor would be talking to us. At this point I knew that something bad was wrong, but I didn’t want to accept it. When we got back to our room my doctor called and said that we were going to have the babies at around 8:00 that night. He said that we needed to get them out because they looked like they were in distress. I was excited and scared too. My precious twins were about to come into the world.

They prepped me for my c-section and off we went to the OR. By 9:00 they made the first incision and at 9:09 p.m. baby "A", Abigail Caroline (Abbi) was born and silent. My heart dropped. One minute later, at 9:10, Elizabeth Kay (Lizzi) came into the world screaming her head off. I cried; I knew she was fine. But I was worried about my little Abigail. They took them both to the NICU to get them stabalized.

By this time my anesthetic was really making me sleepy so I was dozing in and out. I woke up some time later in my room. I was asking about my girls. They told me that Abigail was the bigger of the two. She weighed 4 pounds, 12¾ ounces and was 16½ inches long. Elizabeth on the other hadn was quite small. She was 3 pounds, 4¾ ounces and 16 inches long. they were both breathing well with oxygen.

Once I woke up they took me to the NICU to see my baby girls. They were beautiful. They had a lot much hair. Abbi’s was slightly lighter and shorter than Lizzi’s. I was happy to see my precious babies. Lizzi even took a good look at her Daddy. It was the cutest thing!

It was at this point that I was really getting concerned about little Abbi. She wasn’t moving around like Lizzi and she hadn’t opened her eyes or cried. It was looking like we had another NKH baby. My heart was breaking, again. I got to my room and tried to get some sleep. It was about 3:00 a.m. by the time they got me settled in, I was tired. Finally I dozed off.

When I awakened later reality began to hit me. We were losing one of our twins. Abigail was indeed affected by this “rare” disorder and Lizzi was fine. But, to be sure, both of the girls were tested. By early afternoon the results were back: it was true, our little Abbi was dying. It was only a matter of time until our sweet Abbi would be joining her brothers in heaven. How hard this would be. And at the same time they told us that we weren’t going to be able to take Lizzi home for at least three or four weeks. She was going to have to get bigger. So once again I was going to leave the hospital empty handed.

It was such a bittersweet time. We were rejoicing the birth of both but already grieving over Abbi. We visited the NICU often. They were so beautiful. Once they were both off of the oxygen they were put in the same bassinette. It was very sweet. They knew each other, they were happy together, this is they way they liked it. This is the way things should have been forever.

The hospital took a beautiful picture of Abbi, and one of Abbi and Lizzi snuggled up next to each other. These photos will be precious memories for a lifetime.

On Saturday afternoon, Abbi really started to take a turn for the worse. We had the grandparents come down so they could see the girls together and tell Abbi goodbye. At midnight the NICU doctor came to our room to get Danny and I. She said that Abbi was breathing very shallow and that it wouldn’t be much longer before she would pass away. We went to the NICU and held our sweet Abbi and I sang to her for four hours. She went to her Heavenly Father just after 4:00 a.m. on April 17, 2005. We had just lost our fourth child and our first daughter.

Once again we were planning the funeral of one of our precious babies. How could anyone go through this once, twice, three times, and now a fourth? It was just unimaginable. All the while we still have to focus on Lizzi and our other children too.

We left the hospital on Sunday April 17, just hours after our Abbi had passed away. We were headed once again to the funeral home to make arrangements for Abigail Caroline. After having three open casket funerals for our boys, we just knew that we couldn’t go through that again.

We decided to have a very simple graveside service with just family and a few close friends. It was a beautiful sunny day and very pleasant. We sang Jesus Loves Me and He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands. These were a couple of the songs that I sang to Abbi in her last few hours on this earth. She was now at peace. She was buried very close to her brothers. We chose a matching grave marker for her. Now we have four babies gone.

After the funeral we went to the hospital—we had our little Lizzi to look after now. She had to grow. She had to get to four pounds before we could take her home. She also had to be taking all of her feedings by bottle. We had a long road ahead of us.

Danny, Timmy, Jessi, and myself spent the next three weeks going back and forth to Baptist Hospital an hour and a half away. We would get up every morning and pack for the day. We had to make sure that we had enough formula and diapers for Jessi, my breast milk that I had pumped for Lizzi, and lunch or cash for lunch for ourselves. These were some very long days. I was still trying to heal from the c-section and I also had A LOT of swelling in my legs that made it very hard for me to get around.

We would leave home by 9:00 or 9:30 a.m. and get to the hospital around 10:30 or 11:00 a.m. Then I would scrub up and take Lizzi her “meals on wheels” (breast milk) while Danny and Timmy got us set up for the day. Afterwards I would come back to the NICU waiting room and we would either eat lunch or go to lunch with one of the grandparents. Once we got done with lunch it was time to feed Jessi and get her down for her nap (in her stroller) and then I would pump some more milk for Lizzi. We would all visit her one more time for the day and then we would head home. We would get home around 5:30 or 6:00 p.m., get settled in for the night, make sure all was ready for the next day and go to bed. This was our life for three weeks.

Lizzi was steadily gaining. We were very pleased with her progress. I would call every night to see what her gain was for the day. We were counting the ounces until she got to come home. Finally, on Thursday May 5, the doctors said that we could take her home in two days. I was so excited!  I was going to get to bring my baby girl home the day before Mother’s Day. What an awesome Mother’s Day that would be!! 

Saturday May 7, Lizzi weighed in at 4 pounds, 4 ounces. She was ready to come home. When we arrived the nurses had her all ready to go. I dressed her up in a beautiful little gown and baby booties. She looked like a little princess. We were finally getting to take our little Lizzi home from the hospital. She looked like a doll in the car seat. Daddy got to carry her out and put her in the car. Soon we would be on the road with our little girl in tow. It was a great day. Yes, we were all thinking about our Abigail not being there but we were thankful that we were getting to bring Lizzi home.

Lizzi has adjusted quite well. She is a fiesty little one. But she has brought such joy to our family. We are now blessed to have three healthy children in our home. Timmy is almost 12 and he is such a fine young man. He has a gift of making people smile. Jessi, is 4 ½ months. She is so much fun. And what a beautiful little girl she is! She has the most adorable smile I’ve ever seen. (I think she looks like the Gerber baby.) She is laid back and very easy going.  In fact, we’ve nicknamed her “Just Jessi” because of it.

And then there is Lizzi. Well I really think that her name fits her well. As I said before, she is very feisty. She is now seven weeks old and doing well. She has the prettiest blue eyes, and what expressions she has. Daddy calls her “Faces.”

I thank God every day for blessing our family with these beautiful children that we have with us and I also thank Him for the treasure that we have in Heaven.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal" (Matthew 6:19-20).